The Spider Incursion
by joey the ripper
Summary: Doctor Von Goosewing re-discovers his Mark 7 Shrinking and Miniaturising Ray whilst spring cleaning, he accidently switches off the safety, a spider gets super-sized and Goosewing realises the potential of this unforseen event, Duckula beware!
1. The Doctor Triumphant

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Count Duckula, nor the song that inspired this comedic horror story.

**Word count:** 1,118 words. (It's a beginning.)

**Warnings/Ratings:** Spelling some of Gooswings expressions is just too difficult, so I unfortunately have had to tweak some of his signature lines and give his thick accent my best shot, apologies if I have not quite got this right. Hopefully it will improve.

**Summary:** Inspired by Bill Bailey's song "Insect Nation", Doctor Von Goosewing re-discovers his Mark 7 Shrinking and Miniaturising Ray whilst spring cleaning, he accidently releases the safety catch, a spider gets super-sized and Goosewing realises the potential of this unforseen event, Duckula beware!

_**A/n:**_My first ever Duckula story, inspiration: song = Bill Bailey's: Insect Nation, I took the theme of the song and have applied it to the Duckula genre and went from there, do try this for yourself, it's great to see what can go where, and your music library's are probably more extensive than mine... I just like getting full fledged stories from random places, I'm odd like that, this one just seemed like a whole lot of fun, and so... we begin.

"_The Locust squats upon the leaf,_

_He's just biding his time,_

_The human world that he surveys,_

_He thinks: "One day all this shall be mine!"_

**=The Spider Incursion=**

**Chapter 1:**

**-The Doctor Triumphant.-**

Doctor Von Goosewing threw aside yet another failed projectile 'Ach! How can I be letting things getting be on top of me like this?' currently the greatest vampire hunter in the world was engaged in a much more pressing matter than hunting vampires, spring cleaning.

Goosewing was pulling things erratically out of his store cupboard in an effort to reclaim the space for it's prior function as the pantry, after such a long time of inventing brand new means to hunt and kill vampires storing things properly had become virtually impossible, and so, Goosewing had left failed inventions pretty much... everywhere, the first place he had ventured after a failure was where the invention was left, but after falling over his grandfathers camera in the middle of the night after he had gotten up for a glass of water, Goosewing had resolved to do some much needed spring cleaning.

'Zat is ze pantry taken care of.' Goosewing said slamming the door shut behind him, he cast a vague look around barely registering the large pile of projectile weapons and lasers, his eyes fell upon the sink and he nodded to himself, whilst he was in the kitchen, he might as well fix the clog in the sink, he knelt down and tried to open the door to the cupboard, it didn't budge, he grunted in annoyance and took the handle in both hands 'it is stuck!' he announced loudly to the empty kitchen 'Heinrich!' he yelled out loudly 'Heinrich!' he tugged the door again 'come in here and be helpings me!' he continued to tug at the door, suddenly without any warning the door gave way and Goosewing fell over, bumping his head on the floor and blacking out.

Coming to a few moments later, Goosewing groaned and sat up, he rubbed his head 'Ooh mien head!' he looked at the cupboard, the door was ajar and he could see the piping connecting to the sink, but propped up against it was an object that he strained to remember, it was twisted and battered and seemed to resemble some form of telescope, Goosewing blinked 'Can zat be what it is zat I am zhinking zat it is?' he got back to his knees and pulled it out of the cupboard, he looked it over 'It is!' he exclaimed loudly as he jumped to his feet, holding it in both hands like a trophy.

'It is mien Doctor Von Goosewing Mark 7 Shrinking and Miniaturising Ray!' he cradled it in his arms with an almost loving smile 'Oh what and inwention you were, mien plan to shrinketh Count Duckula und his castle to the size of an insect to protect the world from his wicked und sinister ways.' He sighed sadly in defeat 'alas it was a failure.' He brushed some of the dust off of the controls accidently releasing the safety catch and flicking the dial from shrink to grow.

'It is too bad really.' Goosewing said as he inspected the ray, 'it was such a great inwention.' Goosewing didn't notice the large spider crawling along the side of the ray until it started to crawl up his hand, he looked up quickly, his eyes bulging slightly in fear, he looked to his hand and jumped, dropping the ray that hit the floor and started emitting a whirling noise, Goosewing wildly brushed the spider off of his hand sending it flying across the kitchen, he took a few deep breaths and looked down to the ray as the whirling noise reached a higher pitch, 'Oh dear...' Goosewing said, in a matter of seconds the ray let out a flash of light and a moment later Goosewing was knocked off of his feet by a giant leg.

Goosewing looked up, the owner of it wasn't too happy with Goosewing being in its growing space, the giant spider blinked it's 8 eyes and looked down at him, it's pincers dripped with venom, goosewing gulped, he wasn't overly fond of spiders when they were small, and now that he was confronted with a giant, he was sure he wasn't fond of them when they were big.

He forced himself not to panic, if he could go face to face and head to head with the most evillest vampires that ever lived, then he could handle a giant spider, after all, the difference wasn't that great between a vampire and a spider.

As the spider loomed over him, knowing that he had been the one that had sent it flying just moments before, it was clear that this spider wanted revenge.

'Now holding on a moment, please be being.' Goosewing said slightly nervously.

The spider let out a screeching noise, it was clear that there was a serious difference in language, so the spider changed tactic and moved closer, it's massive legs bent out at odd angles to compensate for the tiny kitchen space, with the spider thinking of lunch, Goosewing instinctively went for the nearest gun, which happened to be his shrinking ray, he flicked it back to shrink and fired.

The spider shuddered for a second before shrinking down to its previous size.

Goosewing jumped up 'Ha! Do not be messing wit me! I am Doctor Von Goosewing, the greatest wampire hunter in ze world!' He said triumphantly.

The spider scuttled across the floor and Goosewing grabbed the nearest glass, flipping it upside-down he placed it over the spider 'Now you be waitingz here while I decide what to do wit you.' The spider climbed the side of the glass and Goosewing shuddered 'How peoplez can be standingz spiders is a mystery to me... perhaps if you never be seeing the spiders you be more relaxed, ya?' he considered the kitchen 'but mein kitchen is not the place for spiders... relocation is in order.' He considered the spider 'but to where? Preferably somewhere far far away, where he won't be a nuisance to me or anyone else.' Goosewing felt proud of himself 'Goosewing you are amazing, not only do you relocate unwanted spiders, you also exterminate wampires.' Goosewing blinked 'Wait justing one minute here... that's it! Why am I not be thinking of this before?' He placed the ray on the bench and went to fetch a container for the spider 'I can be getting rid of Duckula and mein spiders at the same time! Goosewing you are a genius!' He entered his lab and snatched up a beaker that had a plastic cover on it, he pulled off the cover and picked up a random piece of paper that littered the desk in front of him, he spun around and headed back to the kitchen to collect the spider.

* * *

_A/n: And a dramatic pause there until I've finished and uploaded my next chapter._


	2. Adversary

**Disclaimer:** Nope, I still don't own Duckula... (I know... 'o' can you believe this?)

**Word Count:** 750 (Short, but tis but the margarine on the sandwich, keeping it all stuck together)

_A/n:__ Written by the light of 8 candles, with incense to invoke my creative juices and a heater to feel more comfortable, all these things together make me able to be apart of this chapter whilst I am writing it, but hopefully you won't need to go to so much effort to be able to read it ;)_

**Chapter 2:**

**Adversary **

In the Transylvanian foothills the air was full with horrible wailing coming from the dreaded castle, deep within the castle a horrific scene was being played out.

'Oo help! Save us!' Nanny was backed against the corner of the dinning room, her attention focused fully on the creature at the center of the room, screaming and yelling for someone to come to her aid.

'Nanny?' Count Duckula asked appearing in the doorway holding a half eaten broccoli sandwich.

'Oh Master Duckula! Help!'

'What's the matter?'

'It's big and black and nasty and horrible!' she cried.

'What is?' Duckula asked.

'That!' Nanny said pointing.

Duckula looked, Nanny was pointing at a large spider that was descending from the ceiling on a barely visible thread 'Oh come on Nanny.' Duckula said patiently 'it's just a spider, the castle is practically full to the turrets with them.' He said holding out his hands as he spoke, 'You do the cobwebbing daily, you see spiders all the time, you haven't had a problem before.'

'This one's different Duckyboos.'

'Really? How?'

'It's... it's... big!'

Duckula rolled his eyes and looked back to the spider which had now finished descending 'Er... yeah, I see what you mean Nanny, it is kinda-' the spider scuttled towards the door and Duckula cut himself off by screaming '**Ah**! Igor! Igor!' he instinctively fled to Nanny's side where he clung to her for some form of protection.

A few moments later Igor arrived, 'You screamed Milord?' he droned.

'Yes! Igor!' Duckula continued yelling, 'Get rid of it.' He finished in a whimper pointing to the spider that was considerably confused by the situation.

Igor looked to the spider and shook his head in dismay 'yes Milord.' He sighed, he reached into his inside pocket and pulled out a newspaper, he lowered the paper in front of the spider and the spider climbed up, Igor slowly lifted the paper up and turned to leave, he glanced over to Duckula 'Was there anything else Milord?' he asked casually.

'Er, no, not right now Igor.' Duckula said recovering and letting go of Nanny, feeling slightly embarrassed by his behaviour.

'Very well Milord, I will relocate the spider.'

'Yes, you do that Igor, preferably to somewhere out of the way...' Duckula said stepping into the center of the room 'of me and Nanny at least.'

'I shall endeavour to find a place for him Milord.'

'Good.'

Igor left and Duckula frowned looking at the broccoli sandwich he'd dropped when he had... er... decided to give the spider space.

'What a waste of a perfectly good broccoli sandwich, and I'm still hungry! Ah well.' He looked to Nanny 'Nanny.'

'Yes Duckyboos?'

'I think it's lunchtime.'

* * *

Duckula sat at the dinning room table eating a large plate of vegetables.

'Ah Igor!' Duckula said looking up from his plate his mouth full of food, Igor's expression of utter disappointment made the Count put his fork down and swallow hard 'Alright Igor, out with it! What've I done wrong _this_ time?'

'Wrong Milord? Hardly wrong, but a duck of your standing should be able to keep his composure when confronted with such a small adversary.'

'Adversary?'

'The spider, Milord!' Igor said 'and what's more you should be able to find it in yourself to handle such matters.'

'Igor...' Duckula said coolly 'need I remind you that I am a _Count_?'

'No Milord.' Igor said quietly.

'I am a Count!' Duckula said with a tone of authority, he'd prepared this argument while he was waiting for Nanny to fix him some food, and he wasn't about to leave this topic open for another day's argument 'And vampire I may be...' he paused '_vegetarian_ vampire, I may be.' He corrected 'but first and foremost: I am a Count, and as a Count I do not have to take care of my own spiders, that's what I have you for.' He said folding his arms with an air of smug finality.

'But you will have to one day Master; I can't take care of them _all_.' Igor replied.

'Just the ones that bother me.' Duckula said reasonably.

'But they shouldn't Milord, after all, vampires and spiders share quite a common ground.'

'Igor! I'm a vegetarian, and I am **not** going to socialise with _spiders_! Now is that perfectly clear?'

Igor growled.

'Igor?' Duckula growled.

'Yes Milord, quite clear.' Igor said sounding defeated.

'Good.'

* * *

_A/n: and with that, I should probably get a bit of rest, and then I can write chapter three, until then, good night._


End file.
